Reading & Ranting: Customers Say the Darnedest Things Part 3


There has been some interest in what owning a store is like so I thought typing up some of the things I hear on a daily basis would be a fun way to start!


Part 3

On Books

  • “Dean Koontz is Stephen King without all the extra detail and boring crap.”
  • “Is Stephen King popular?” Sir…where have you been for the past 20 years?
  • “Do you read James Patterson?” No, ma’am. “Oh, so you don’t read a lot?” Yeah…because that’s the next logical conclusion. 
  • “No wonder the movies sucked…look how big the books are!”
  • “Did you enjoy it?” “Yeah, but there is a gruesome grueseome sex scene in it…like really…I mean I could only read again it two or three times before I couldn’t take anymore.” Wow…that’s…I mean how could you only read it two or three times? That is bad…If you had re-read read it 4 or 5 times, that would have really been too much. 
  • “Have you read Atlas Shrugged?” “No sir.” “That is a good book! You should read it!” “Oh really? I just might!” “Yeah! It reads just like today’s politics.” Annnndd you ruined it…you had a good chance to make me want to read that brick, and you just shot it down in one. 

A Touch of the Weird

  • “So would you say your hair has attitude of it’s own?” Um…No? It’s just curly… Would you say your conversational skills could use some work?
  • “Would you like a bag?” “Hmmm…..what sort of bag?” “A plastic bag?” “Hmmm….hmmmm well it is raining…yes, I think so.” …Why did that question take a full minute to answer…
  • “One day soon we’ll be in a world like Fahrenheit 451” Well aren’t you just full of pleasantries… 


  • “Mom can I get a book?” “Wouldn’t you prefer a glow sword instead? Put that down and come on.” Ma’m I mean this in the best way possible but WHAT THE F—?! Did you just say you were going to buy a glow sword he’s going to play with for all of 2 hours instead of a book?! I rarely judge parenting skills, but consider yourself judged. 
  • “I have NEVER been in a bookstore in my life!” Why are you smiling? This isn’t a good thing…

Side Stepping Religion

  • “What is Beth Moore?” …Human?
  • “What are your thoughts on Joel Olsteen?” He looks like a rabbit with curly hair
  • “You should get rid of *insert religious text here* it’s nothing but myth and legend. Not like *insert religion here*” And…I’m atheist, so if I went by what I think is myth and legend your entire section would also be gone sir…but that’s where we differ. You see I’m not a dick who excludes people because of religion. 

Side Note

I had my first attempt theft since the last post! Why am I excited? Because it was sort of hilariously pathetic. The person was a little old man probably mid-to-late 60’s. He has a cane and can basicall only shuffle, but he’s one of those people who dresses like he’s a teenager. Super baggy pants, with a belt that doesn’t seem to be working, a white tank, and a super shiny gold wallet that he likes to flash about. So after spending several minutes reading in the chair, he shuffles to the table where his pants fall down, he corrects them and shuffles some more…and his pants fall down again. This time he tightens the belt,but low and behold they find his ankles a third time. By this point I’m trying not laugh but I’m definitely paying attention. He knocks over a little stand with a book on it and as he goes to correct slips the stand into the front of his pants. In the 30 seconds it takes him to shuffle to the door I’m already by him and asking politely for my stand back. He seemed really put out at the fact that he couldn’t keep it, but tossed it on the table and shuffled out the door.

He’s also the guy who likes to try and ‘steal’ the free bookmarks. I doubt I’ll see him again though, he seemed pretty mortified to be caught.

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9 Responses to Reading & Ranting: Customers Say the Darnedest Things Part 3

  1. Briana says:

    Yeah…I think someone trying to steal something should aim for subtlety, not acting so bizarrely by repeatedly dropping their pants that everyone is already paying attention to them!

    I worked in a college bookstore for a while. I didn’t personally witness theft, but we knew some must be happening. I imagine the “easiest” thing to do would be to stand in a section where you can’t be easily seen from the registers and just stay there talking to a friend for so long that the employees have to walk away to help someone else. Then no one’s looking at you and BOOM! Basically the complete opposite of what your guy did!

  2. ariastuckinwonderland says:

    Those were funny! Lol
    They reminded me of this book by Jen Campbell, Weird Things Customer Say in Bookshops. :p

  3. Haha! Great post! I work in a library and you can here some pretty interesting things. Like a week ago someone called and asked for the price of our manure even though when we answer we say the name of our library. Then again, I also work in a home improvement store and things can easily outstrip the levels of craziness at the library. For example, I had a customer two days ago who wanted “paint like insulation” that would “create a good seal”. The only thing I could come up with that we carry would be a paint plus primer all in one or a masonry paint – they’re not like insulation though but they do seal well. No, the customer wanted “paint like what’s on the space shuttle.” Yeah, I don’t think that’s available to the general public! 🙂

  4. Cheyanne says:

    Consider yourself judged! Hahaha cracks me up!

    I work at an eye care clinic and one of my coworkers saw a patient take one of the mirrors we have in our optical shop and put it under his shirt. She says to him, “Mr. X, we’re missing a mirror. You haven’t seen it, have you?” Mr. X says no and she tells him, “Mr. X, I just saw you put it under your shirt as did all of the other patients here waiting to see the doctor.” He got really flustered and denied it all. Then he went into the bathroom and came out 15 seconds later and said, “Look what I found in the bathroom.”

    People are interesting!

  5. Angie F. says:

    GLOW SWORD!!! That is hella random but sounds kind of awesome. Although….yeah books would probably be a better choice….

  6. Oh my, hahaha. This is fantastic. Some people just baffle me. I mean, really, it only makes sense that if you don’t read James Patterson, you don’t read a lot period. And why would someone read a scene three times if it was so horrible?! Are we supposed to read every scene three times? I think I’ve been reading wrong this whole time! But I am definitely also judging that parent. And the thief whose pants kept falling down. Lol.

  7. Thanks! I always love these posts. 🙂

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